Ask Alexandre - Advice for fictional characters with problems
by Spiny Norman
Summary: Advice for 19th century fictional characters: Ask Alexandre Charles Hugo, Agony Aunt for classic literary creations. (No-one knows where his first names end and last names take over.)
1. Erik

_Dear Alexandre Charles Hugo,_

_Please could you give me some relationship advice? I am a composer and singing teacher. I have a disfigurement over part of my face so I don't go out much. But that did not stop me from making a friend in the past of a ballet mistress who has been my friend for many years. _

_Over the past months I've fallen in love with a very promising girl called Christine, whom I was giving music lessons which made her such a succes. At first she seemed to return my affections, and I gave her the lead role in my opera "Don Juan Triumphant". But recently a childhood friend of hers, a viscount, turned up at the Opera House, and now she seems a different person, her talk is different, and she avoids me. I even caught them French kissing on the roof of the building last night. _

_What about all I did for her, raising her from obscurity? How can she be so ungrateful? Worst of all, this other guy desperately needs a haircut. What should I do to win her back? I tried killing people, but it did not help. _

_Erik_

Dear Erik,

Thank you for your intriguing letter. First of all, you seem to be having a spell of midlife crisis. I'm sorry but all the symptoms are there. You are around 40, you seem to get restless and seek new thrills. You and the ballet mistress have grown apart; along comes this talented young girl who wants to be your trophy wife.

Now it turns out that she has used you to get ahead, and once she's famous, she moves on to the next stepping stone and tries to marry something with money, a title, and sideburns (even I can't explain those). If Christine really loved you, she would have easily overlooked a little disfigurement in the face and a few murders.

However, don't be sorry. I've watched her carefully and apart from a nice voice she has no discernible character traits or personality of any kind. She sings well, but she's a generic female lead, a shallow creature who doesn't have the depth to understand or appreciate you. What we have here is basically the Paris equivalent of a valley girl. The things that occupy your mind are way above her head.

So, what to do: Nothing. This Raoul is the perfect match for Christine, because he is just as empty-headed and superficial as she is. Anyway, if you think they'll be happy, first she will need to explain to him why their firstborn child wears a little half-mask...

Alexandre Charles Hugo


	2. Jean Valjean

_Dear Alexandre Hugo,_

_I am in prison for stealing a bread and my prison warden keeps asking me if I know what it means that "my time is up and my parole's begun". I thought it meant that I'm free, but apparently that's the wrong answer. The warden (his name is Javert) won't give me any clues. Can you help me? Perhaps if it were multiple choice I'd at least have a chance. _

_Jean Valjean_

Dear Jean Valjean,

Yes, it's a tricky question. It means you get your yellow ticket of leave. Good luck.

Alexandre Charles Hugo


	3. Marius

_Dear Alexandre Hugo,_

_She was just like a ghost to me, one minute there, then she was gone. Had you been there tonight, you might know how it feels, to be struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight. You might also have known, how your world may be changed in just one burst of light, and what was right seems wrong, and what was wrong seems right. _

_Marius_

_P.S. When I tell this to my fellow revolutionaries they just laugh and drink more wine! _

Marius,

You're no longer a child, I do not doubt you mean it well. But we have more important things to do then listen to you 'ooh' and 'aah'. Who cares about your lonely soul?

Alexandre Charles Hugo


	4. Inspector Javert

_Dear Alexandre Hugo,_

_I am a chief of police but I'm having trouble arresting a fugitive. Every time I try, he confuses me by pretending to be a pious, repentant, innocent victim of circumstances. He always has some excuse why the rules should not apply to him! Last time I was closing in, he was in disguise and ran away pretending to urgently take care of a dying prostitute. _

_And now that she's finally dead and I have him cornered again, he tells me that he will come quietly, on one condition: She left behind a child with an innkeeper and his wife and apparently he, and no-one else, needs to go fetch her. That means he'll have to raise her which regrettably will take 20 years. But once she's all grown up and safely married, he'll come with me and plead guilty to all charges… I'm getting fed up with this! Who knows what it will be next! A kitten stuck in a tree that only he can climb? _

_Inspector Javert_

_PS Why don't I have a first name?_

Dear Inspector Javert,

It seems like there is always some excuse. I don't know, it seems a little convenient that this comes up just now. Put an end to it. The girl is already being taken care of, isn't she?

By the way, I don't know your first name, but I can tell you this: Don't you think it was a little suspicious, all those 'respectable' gentlemen who just happened to be walking near the red light district of Montreuil-sur-Mer? Really, you follow the law to the letter, to the point of being lawfully evil, and yet you don't think it strange an emaciated, sickly whore randomly attacks a strong and healthy man?

Alexandre Charles Hugo


End file.
